Loyalties
by Khanlusa
Summary: Post-Ziost - Exhausted by the war and struggling with her identity as a jedi, K'Surda finally comes to a decision on how to move forward with her often confusing life, one that she hardly makes without intense consideration for what it means. But will it be accepted?
1. Loyalties

Spoiler-ish hints regarding what happened during the Jedi Knight storyline, Ziost and Shadow of Revan found within.

* * *

 **"Loyalties"**

* * *

It was an utterly reckless thing to do. If she walked this path there was no returning from it, she wouldn't able to turn back and yet the thought gave her some degree of peace. There would be finality to it, either way. She _would_ fit somewhere.

Perhaps it wasn't reckless as much as it was _decisive_. The data drive would have gotten to her by now.

Steam coiled around K'Surda's frame as she exited the fresher and swept a hand through her hair, forcing stubborn pieces away from her face. Glancing at the mirror caused her to huff with irritation and rub at her eyes, as if that would hide the lack of sleep.

Getting dressed didn't take long, she had no intention of going outside and everything that could be put on hold had been. There were no outstanding bounties to take care of, so her gear could stay where it was, with the exception of her lightsabres. They hung on a well-worn but sturdy belt even if all she put on was a simple vest and shorts.

A minor improvement, used to be she couldn't stay out of her gear for much longer than it took to get clean. It went right back on so she could feel safer, restlessly pacing in her quarters and occasionally glaring at a shadow that wasn't there.

K'Surda sighed and finished fastening her belt. She was better now. Somehow she'd managed to pull herself partway out of that horrible pit.

 _Somehow_. K'Surda winced to herself. She knew how, but acknowledging it before anything was certain wouldn't do her any good.

Low trilling caught her attention and she moved out of her bedroom to find Raz in the main room. Its mostly uncluttered space allowed the male varactyl to move around unimpeded. Someone intended the room to be used for dining or hosting parties of some kind but it served just as well for Raz's unofficial bedroom.

A couple of large lockers kept gear for him safe and clean. Most of the extreme environmental protection was kept on the main ship but for Nar Shaddaa he had light armour and a fitted helmet to keep him safe from airborne threats. Not to mention medical products and other items meant to care for a beast such as him.

When she first brought him home, K'Surda rerouted some heat to warm a section of the floor more than others, providing a cosy spot for the large reptavian. It left him sleeping across from the door but he was hardly a timid beast and if anyone made the mistake of trying to get in uninvited they would quickly find a set of big, strong jaws snapping at their head.

Right now he was poised to watch the door, head lifted in piqued curiosity.

"Did you hear something?" K'Surda said, approaching him.

Raz trilled again and lost interest in the door, moving towards her instead. He pressed his large head into her hands and snorted.

K'Surda rolled her eyes and scratched his soft throat, earning a series of appreciative clicks. "You know, at some point I'm going to expect something to actually _be_ at the door when you do that," she said, patting his beak. She held him so he'd look directly at her, breath pushing at her loose hair. "It'd be nice if you didn't tease me," she murmured, feeling tired again already. "Especially now."

Raz trilled quietly at her and she sighed, patting his head. He slithered away from her, back to his panels and all but sulking at her tone of voice. He'd get over it.

She paid him little more mind and walked off to the kitchen, running a hand through her hair. Her mind was buzzing too much for anything more complex than heating up soup she'd made the other day.

 _Surely_ it would have reached her by now.

K'Surda sighed deeply and skulked away to the den once her soup was warm.

To say she decorated would be generous, most of the things in her home were utilitarian nature, but the den was cosier, personal. She kept the lighting dimmer and the furniture was very comfortable, the kind of things one could easily fall asleep on. It was also slightly cooler than the other rooms, the rerouted heat for Raz, but she preferred that. It was an equally beneficial trade-off.

She set her mug down and slumped onto her semi-circular couch, glaring at its twin across the table between them.

The drone of Nar Shaddaa was thankfully muted, made distant by solid construction and some additional tweaking after the fact. She would've hated living here if the constant whine of engines couldn't be shut out.

What to do with herself today? Or was it tonight…? She hadn't checked the time when she got up.

K'Surda frowned, trying to work out how long it'd been now. Two weeks? If she wasn't spending the time exercising, she was fiddling with her lightsabres and if she wasn't doing _that_ she spent the time sparring with Scourge. At least, that was until last night. He _knew_ why she was trying to distract herself and kill time. Pestering her about it amused him to no end. The entire blasted mess amused him.

 _'You may as well be writing poetry about her eyes.'_

That got him a particularly annoyed flurry of strikes, each one he deflected while wearing that insufferable smirk. He walked away from her home no worse for wear and offering to spar again, _'when your discipline outweighs your petulance.'_

K'Surda huffed and draped an arm over her face.

She hated herself for it but she couldn't say he was _wrong_. It felt juvenile to think like that, about the way her eyes reminded K'Surda of a star's blaze at sunset.

K'Surda groaned and pressed her hands to her face, moodily kicking the couch with her heels. Doing this to herself _had_ to constitute as torture, somewhere, somehow. Hadn't she already been here before?

A string of frustrated noises escaped her for lack of any clear cut words. It wasn't the same, it was worse. She'd acted on it to the point that she was now willing to do something that should have horrified her. But it would be a lie if someone tried to accuse her of being a lovesick puppy who should know better. There was more to it than that.

For a moment, nothing mattered, everything was far away and suspended from all obligations she was familiar with. It was a disconnected situation and she allowed herself to fall into it, forgetting that it couldn't last.

It would have been so easy to fire on the Imperials over Rishi, yet she jumped immediately to attacking their shared enemy and it had felt entirely right to do so. It felt _good_ to do so, no reservations.

Her stomach twisted on itself and she sighed, letting her hands slip down enough to stare at the ceiling. At one point, she genuinely wanted to wipe them all out, every last one, and all because of _him_.

An ill feeling crawled through her at the mere thought of Vitiate and she cleared her throat, sitting up to drink some of her soup.

Thinking about it too much would give her a headache. The last couple of years had been less than coherent, but the anger he placed in her had dulled to embers.

She didn't feel so eager for a war that would catch millions in the crossfire. Kovach had a point; innocents suffered every day under the Empire but how many more would perish in the fighting? Too many families to count had lost people dear to them because the Republic couldn't resist trying to bite the Empire's throat on Ziost. Saresh ignored the dangers and K'Surda recalled with a great deal of bitterness that the Chancellor tried to ask about the nature of the possessions because she didn't know enough. _After_ the fact, _after_ the mess had already been made, _after_ Vitiate had already possessed and killed who knew how many before he ended it all.

If it was a taste of what was to come of future warring, K'Surda wanted nothing of it. Fighting was in her blood, she would always be ready for combat. But the idea of war left little more than a sour, ashen taste at the back of her tongue.

K'Surda chuckled coolly to herself. Maybe she should have been a Mandalorian.

Familiarity brushed against her senses and she stopped mid-drink, eyes widening by a fraction. Could that really be…?

Setting her mug down, K'Surda got to the feet and moved back into the main room. Raz's eyes flicked towards her from the panels but he didn't shift, just trilled quietly.

The presence was still there and getting closer. K'Surda swallowed thickly and fidgeted, feeling her stomach take up residence at the bottom of her throat. She mentally recited what she intended to say and walked towards the door, staring at the access panel with a level of intensity she'd given few things the past fortnight.

When it came to a stop just outside she held her breath, tension wound tight in her core. There was no way she was imagining it. The time had come to make her choice and live with it, no going back.

A beep and the panel lit up; someone wanted in.

K'Surda took a deep breath in a futile effort to calm down and let it out slowly. She briefly checked the security feed just to make sure and managed to avoid freezing up, unlocking and the opening the door.

It couldn't be helped. Her breath caught in her throat despite herself and K'Surda swallowed, trying very hard not to fidget. Her mind jumped back to Rishi, for Lana was wearing similar clothing to what she wore then, with an added cloak and a visor to hide her eyes. But it was definitely her.

Mentally, K'Surda kicked herself to speak before her throat decided to seal itself in protest. "Here was me thinking you wouldn't actually…" she trailed off and rubbed the back of her neck. "I mean, well."

Trying to clear the awkwardness out of her throat, K'Surda gestured for Lana to come in, to which the Sith politely inclined her head. She walked by and K'Surda held her breath, scrambling for the words she'd been reciting a few minutes ago. They'd well and truly gotten away from her now, typical.

She closed the door and turned, rubbing the back of her hand. Raz was watching Lana, his head lifted from the floor and cocked to one side, as she tugged the mask and visor down to her neck.

"You live here," Lana spoke as if it was an affirmation of suspicions, something that seemed to put her at a mild loss if the look she sent back at K'Surda was any indication. She was masking her emotions for the most part and it was hard to get a read from her.

K'Surda nodded. "Yeah, only two other people even _know_ I have this, so it's definitely a safe place to talk." She hoped her sincerity would come across despite her nerves and tried to offer a light smile. "As safe as I can make it anyway, I-" she coughed, hearing herself beginning to ramble. "It got to you then, obviously."

Mercifully, Lana seemed to take no notice of her nerves, or if she did she refrained from commenting and simply nodded in return. "That it did. The co-ordinates were well encrypted but I can see why," she said carefully, taking a short moment to glance around. Her expression sobered when she returned her attention to K'Surda. "The rest of your information was quite… invaluable."

Her throat tightened but no significant sting of regret came with it. Her younger self would be screaming at her but K'Surda just clapsed her hands behind her back. "Kovach was dealt with then?" she asked neutrally.

Lana's tone was curt. "He was."

K'Surda nodded shortly. "Right," she murmured. A few seconds lull and she relaxed her arms, running a hand to the back of her neck. Out the corner of her eye she noted the kitchen. _There_ was an idea. "Would you like something to drink? I have tea."

For a moment Lana looked about to decline but her shoulders relaxed by a fraction and she smiled lightly. "Tea would be nice, thank you."

K'Surda nodded and walked off to the kitchen faster than intended, eager for something to distract herself with so she could try to collect her thoughts. Lana followed at a more relaxed pace and Raz trilled moodily, going back to his nap. At least he wouldn't be bothering them.

She tried to ignore the feeling of being watched, her mind jumping back to the conversation she had with Kira almost a month ago now as she made the tea in relative silence. It felt too similar not to think of it, right down to Lana sitting at the counter, just as Kira had, and K'Surda took some comfort in that. Perhaps this conversation would end in a similarly positive manner.

Passing the fresh tea across to Lana she remained on her side of the counter and tried not to think of it as an intentional barrier. Anxiety plucked at her insides and she desperately tried to push it away.

Lana nodded politely to her. "Thank you," she said quietly, bracing her hands around the cup. She seemed to search for words and looked down when they failed to come to her after a few moments, but K'Surda refrained from interrupting. It wasn't as if she'd grasped her own sentences yet.

She took the lull to study Lana, part of her still not quite believing she was actually here. There was very little obvious difference since the last time they saw each other, but something about Lana seemed tired. She recalled Theron's comment about Sith Intelligence and frowned lightly, wondering just how big a mess Lana was dealing with. It occurred to K'Surda just how exceptional her presence here was.

Finally, Lana cleared her throat and lifted her gaze back to K'Surda. "You wanted to discuss an offer?"

K'Surda took a breath to ease her nerves and let it out through her nose. "Yes. Well, some elaboration first," she said, crossing her arms. "I haven't been consistently keeping in contact with the Order since Yavin. They didn't even know I was on Ziost until after the fact and my only real contact with the Republic has been because of Theron. We haven't been speaking since Ziost and didn't exactly part on friendly words."

She paused momentarily to watch Lana's expression, a mild frown, and continued. "Point being, aside from when I'm directly called on, I don't interact with them if I can help it. Most of my time is taken up by bounty work these days. It's simpler and comparatively easy to deal with."

Lana quirked a brow. "They made you their Battlemaster, don't they question why you keep your distance?"

Discomfort wormed its way through her belly and K'Surda winced, hunching her shoulders. "They do," she said. "I tell them I'm 'rooting out embedded threats,' and that such things take time. Maybe they thought giving me the title would help make me feel like I'm still a part of the Order. I know it wasn't out of nothing, it wasn't pity, but I still don't think they made the right choice. I'm not a teacher and initiates shouldn't be learning how to fight like I do, it's not-" she sighed, averting her eyes. "I'm not someone they should learn from. I'm a soldier _at best_ , not a Jedi.

The sentences were coming back to her at least. K'Surda tilted her head and looked back at Lana whose expression had gained a touch of sympathy to it. She smiled sadly and shrugged, trying not to let the sting in her heart get to her eyes. "What I'm getting at here is that I don't fit any more," she said, pausing to fight down a knot in her throat.

It was different saying it out loud.

She swallowed thickly and pressed on. "I haven't been fitting for nearly two years now and I'm just… tired," she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm tired of feeling out of place, I'm tired of the war, I'm tired of _trying_ to swallow the Code and make it a part of me when it clearly doesn't belong."

A bitter pang shot through her and she huffed out a vague laugh. "Or _I_ clearly don't belong, either way."

Caution tempered any other outward reaction in Lana as she spoke. "Am I wrong to assume you want to defect?" Even as her voice was, there was a hint of surprise to it and K'Surda hardly blamed her. She wouldn't have believed it herself a while ago.

Uncrossing her arms, K'Surda leaned on the counter with her hands flat. "You aren't, not entirely. Like I said, I'm tired of this war but I can't do anything peaceful about it. I'm not a diplomat and I'm not equipped to become one. What I'm good at is fighting and I'd want to offer my services as a hunter."

Lana straightened in her seat and levelled her gaze at K'Surda. "There is a catch to this."

K'Surda smiled stiffly. "Only a few, but I hope they make sense."

To her relief, Lana just nodded, prompting her to continue. Her smile became a touch less forced. "I don't want to make my _lack_ of allegiance public just yet, the Order tried once already to bring me back to Tython. This was a while ago. I left a message when my thoughts weren't all that clear and it rightly bothered them. So far I've managed to keep things calm as long as I keep being publicly beneficial to them and the Republic. I doubt they'll be as lenient the second time."

Lana tilted her head. "And the other?"

She resisted the urge to cross her arms again. "The other catch is… I only want my tasks to go through you."

The raised brow from Lana made her wince and K'Surda lifted her hand to make Lana pause before speaking. "I don't know anyone in the Empire besides you. I trust you not to abuse my willingness to chase a target, others might not be so discerning. I'm not a diplomat, but I _can_ get rid of people who make it hard to smooth things out."

Lana's tone remained careful, unwilling to let her guard down. K'Surda didn't blame her, nothing was entirely clear yet. "And what would you do otherwise?"

She ran a hand to the back of her neck, slowly rubbing at the tension gathered there. "Keep working on bounties, try to keep the peace between myself and the Order and keep my distance if I can help it," she said, frowning. "I still want to deal with Vitiate, when he surfaces again I want to know and I want to help. I need to."

Lana nodded lightly and looked down at her tea, brow furrowing in thought. K'Surda simply watched her, having exhausted most of what she'd wanted to say. There were a few things left, but better to bring those up later, if they proved viable. The uncertainty put an uncomfortable squirm in her belly and she tried to brush it off, focus on the now.

Lana rapped her gloved fingers against the cup and sighed quietly. "This is not what I was expecting when I came here," she said, returning her gaze to K'Surda. "Truth be told, I was still debating the risks when I landed."

K'Surda shrugged, crossing her arms again. "I don't blame you. Other way around, I'd be just as wary, this isn't exactly… normal."

An apologetic look crossed Lana's face. "Then you'll forgive me for needing time to consider this, yes?"

She expected that, it was the _most_ she expected to happen. Weight faded from her shoulders and K'Surda nodded, smiling a little. "That isn't a problem, I figured you would."

Lana returned the smile and for a moment there was genuine warmth to her eyes.

The sound of a door opening and closing drew both their attentions. K'Surda frowned and moved around the counter to the kitchen entrance.

"Statement: Master, the job was carried out with one-hundred percent efficiency," HK-51 spoke cheerily as soon as he saw her. "The rodian and his human colleague were most ineffective against my superior skill."

K'Surda blinked in numb confusion for a couple of seconds before her brain clicked into gear. Right, the slavers, she'd given HK the task so he'd have something to do.

Movement behind her made her turn her head. Lana had gotten out her seat and was pulling her mask back up.

HK took a few steps towards the kitchen. "Query: Master, if you wanted privacy for guests, why did you not say? I assure you I am perfectly capable of busying myself without prompting."

K'Surda shook her head and looked back at him. "Sorry, didn't think it through. Can you go check on Sparks? He's been acting up."

HK nodded. "Statement: Of course, Master. It is probably due to his lesser making." He turned and wandered off to find the little mech who quietly handled security. Well made, but she didn't want to get into a long winded explanation with HK at the moment. She could do that later.

She turned back to Lana. "Strapped for time?"

Adjusting her visor, Lana nodded and tilted her head up as if looking at K'Surda. "There are other matters I need to attend to, but I _will_ contact you once I come to a decision."

K'Surda rubbed her neck, trying to ignore the ache beginning to tug at her chest. She'd _missed_ that voice and now Lana was about to leave again. "Do you mind if I walk back with you? Just, to the ship, or shuttle, however you got here. I'd like to talk a little more. Nothing serious, just… talk. If that's okay."

Something out there had to have been feeling generous, as Lana nodded to her. "I would like that, actually."

The smile came to her before she could think about it and K'Surda perked up. "Great, give me a moment to throw some better clothes on."


	2. Bonus Scene

Just a silly little addition I wrote after the main thing was finished. Didn't feel quite right making it a part of the whole because of the shift in tone.

I forgot to add this after I already added it on the Ao3 version.

* * *

The spaceport seemed busier than usual and for that she was quietly thankful, less likely either of them would be noticed in the shuffle. Cloaks made it even more so, though K'Surda only wore a hood with hers, not a full mask. She wasn't that concerned about herself.

Conversation had been more pleasant than she hoped and she managed to avoid fumbling too much, refraining from going anywhere near the messier elements to their relationship. She wasn't sure how to approach it anyway, if Lana wasn't going to bring it up first.

K'Surda shook the thought from her head. Later. Definitely later.

Having lulled into a comfortable silence, they rounded a corner only for K'Surda to nearly run over another human.

"Hey, watch where you're-" Doc snapped, blustering, before he realized who it was he'd run into. "K'Surda! Crew's been wondering if you got lost out there," he said cheerily, eyes flicking towards Lana who stood silent with her arms crossed.

"Doc," K'Surda blurted out his name for lack of a better reaction, a sting of cold going through her belly.

A sly grin crossed his face, still looking at the concealed Sith Lord. The cloak hid her weapon of choice and he couldn't see her eyes for the visor, it wasn't as if he'd seen her before anyway.

He looked back at K'Surda. "Eh, I'll tell them business as usual."

Heat rose in K'Surda's face and she opened her mouth to say something useful but nothing came to her quickly enough.

That insufferable grin shifted into a look of mock concern and Doc lifted the back of his hand to his mouth, speaking in a stars-be-damned _stage whisper_ like he was _trying_ to make this worse. "But can I suggest you stop going after the ones who look like they could get away with murdering you?"

K'Surda grit her teeth. "Doc!"

He lifted his hands in surrender, smirking as he took a step back. "Just a suggestion! I know the thrill of danger is irresistible, but I'm _just_ looking out for you. Wouldn't kill you to chat up a nice merchant or security consultant, literally."

With her face burning, K'Surda aggressively tried to shoo Doc away. "Just get out of here before I find your kriffing holos and wipe them," she growled.

Doc pouted but smartly started to walk off. "Fine, fine, I'm gone!"

Ten seconds passed with the noise of the port barely audible to K'Surda as she tried to avoid melting, though escaping through the floor was hardly an option for her even if it did happen. "I'm going to kill him," she grumbled.

"There's a precedent for 'murderous' ones?" Lana asked lightly, tilting her head.

K'Surda looked at her sharply, certain her ears had gone pink by now. "Not for quite a while, just to make that clear," she said quickly.

A few more seconds of agonizing silence went by as Lana stared at her and she tried not to fidget. Though she frowned helplessly when she felt amusement brush her senses and rubbed at her arm. "What?"

Soft laughter escaped Lana. "Nothing, I simply don't recall ever seeing you turn quite this red before."

Oh, by the shine of Tatooine's twin stars if the floor could just split open and swallow her whole it would be a _mercy_. K'Surda made a strangled noise in her throat and pulled her hood down until it was nearly over her chin. "I'm going to _kill him_."


End file.
